Reject criticism?

《弟子规》--信篇

聞過怒  聞譽樂  損友來  益友卻 

闻过怒    闻誉乐    损友来    益友却

如我聽(听)人批評，就會（会）生氣；聽到別人讚美（赞美），就會感到高興（高兴）；壞朋友（坏朋友）會接踵而來，好朋友會遠離(远离）我而去。If criticism makes me angry and compliments make me happy, bad company will come my way and good friends will shy away.

My reflection:

COMPLIMENT:

Teachers' teachings...
When people compliment me, I should reflect whether I have those qualities and be very cautious not to be too happy about it and not be arrogant without myself noticing it! When compliments sounds sweet and pleasant, I will have to remind myself not to be arrogant or full of myself, and that what they compliment may not be entirely true. Really? Is their praises true? or is it being exaggerated? am I really that good? no...yes...Even if I am that good, I have to be very humble about it! Additionally, if I love compliment, people can make use of this weakness in me to gain what they want (by praising me). 拍马屁的人会接近我。Those who love to flatter me (not genuine) will surround me and righteous/good friends(genuine) who cannot tell me my flaws will leave.

Do Compliment people's upright character and good personality rather than those very superficial features like looks, talents, achievements, status as these will cause them to be arrogant and full of themselves (If excessive). Then, IF you want to tell them a flaw, they will reject or be unhappy about it. Also, complimenting about looks will make the person vain which is bad and he/she may neglect the inner beauty in them. Inner beauty is far more important than external physical appearance.   

Of course compliment is good in some sense!  So do affirm and encourage a person with compliment and praise appropriately, and not exaggerating it without ourselves knowing it. An upright person will not flatter anyone to get promotion or win the heart of others. 

Complement/affirm the person before criticizing them if you are not close to the person. 

CRITICISM:

When I have a fault and people want to tell me yet fear to do so as telling me my flaws will make me angry/unhappy...then those people who really have a heart for me will leave me as they will not be able to help me grow as a person...and these good friends will leave me...I will live with these flaws without myself knowing!

I believe many people will realize that many times when we do a project with a person/ work or live with a person, we will truly know the person (Real) from a new perspective!

Incident 1:

After JC2, I was in a programme conducted by my teachers and I was being scolded pretty badly due to something wrong that I did. I was rather unhappy and angry at that time as I focus solely on being scolded and missed out the important details in the scoldings. I realized my mistakes (only after one year later!) and I am very grateful to my teachers for scolding me. This is how long it took for me to admit this mistakes and to learn this teaching. I think I should not be full of myself even when I am a young adult(teenager then) as there is always room for improvement. I think no matter how grown up I am I should have listen to the criticism of others(especially teachers) toward me as only those who have a heart for me will make the effort to tell me my flaws because they wish I change and get rid of the bad flaws in me. And the fact is when I am grown up, people usually do not tell me my flaws...only those who care will voice it... The flaws pointed out by my teacher is that (1) I was really disrespectful and hurtful when I said something to my teacher, (2) I constantly view people in the bad light and like to criticise people, (3) I am not appreciative for what people do for me. These are very serious flaws that I must and should change.

unhappy/frown (wrong)

I was scolded then and was really unhappy and now these teachers are very nice to me. They do not tell me my flaws anymore. This is the undesirable consequences of not being able to accept the criticism from teachers :( Teachers teach those who can really accept their flaws being said and reflected to them :( I will change for the better and do my best step-by-step to learn to accept others’ criticism to my mistakes/ flaws/ faults! It will take some time for one to truly practice this teaching!

Incident 2:

I have a friend called Mei Xin and she was rather irresponsible in project. I text her hoping she can be more responsible but she seemed to be unhappy when she replied. Maybe she didn't felt that she was irresponsible, but I could not help her to change for the better.

Another time in a project, my friend/project mates Isabelle decided to assign Mei Xin work as she had little tasks to do, and that I thought it was appropriate. When Isabelle told Mei Xin that she has been contributing less than her and that this particular task is for her, she frowned, got angry and scolded Isabelle. They had somewhat got into an argument. There was tension within my group though Mei Xin still took up the task unwillingly. After quite some time after the incident, I text her and she was still unhappy and did not think she has done little! If this resentment continued, there will be undesirable consequences for the whole project and for relations between all of us! I tried to mediate and try to save the situation as we need to work together as a team! This must not continue! I made Isabelle realize her mistakes as I tried to tell her nicely that what she meant was good, but she put it in a slightly blunt manner. Maybe her/our attitude, tone and facial expression is disapproving Mei Xin and putting the blame on her. We should not have done that. Also, we failed to realize what Mei Xin had already done and only think that we did more than her in the project. Her point was right also...as team mates we should not be too calculative about who do more or less. We could have conveyed in a slightly different way that might not result in this tension (with a different attitude/tone/facial expression). Fortunately, Isabelle was able to accept what I told her though she got upset too ( cos' I tell her her/our flaws and I did not side her). On the other hand, I text my apology to Mei Xin that we were sorry for what we had said to her and reassured her of what she had contributed, and hoped she could help with this task. This tension/conflict was resolved and all of us become friends again! :D    

So, from then on, I try to refrain from telling Mei xin so outwardly her flaws as she cannot accept it. Wait...wait till she asks me then I will tell her. 

For the meantime, I will just keep silent and reflect whether I have the flaws and change myself for the better! :):):)

Incident 3:

unhappy about others' negative
feedback (wrong) 

A friend of mine named Ming Yan was my teammate in a project. At that point in time when we did the project, we really see the real personality of him(from another point of view). He was rather dominating and many times my group mates' comments fall on deaf ears.We also didn't really like how the group function, how meetings were conducted and hope for a change. We felt pretty upset and I represented the group to have a chat with him to tell him the flaws that he may not realized himself. We hope he could listen to our comments and feedback and don’t always assume himself to be right all the time. We were not badmouthing him but rather discussing and giving feedback among ourselves. I compiled them and try to make him notice some flaws in him...hopefully I can help him to change for the better and for the whole group's benefit. Unfortunately, he really didn't recognise his fault and his reaction towards our feedback was pretty negative and he got somewhat frustrated. Fortunately, he did reflection after that and did change for the better. Since then, I dare not tell his flaws to him anymore (as he may get angry) and just let him live with it until he asks me about it. Not that I did not want to be a good friend but I cannot!

Incident 4: 

I did a project with Katty's bf some time ago. He was the leader and the group rarely discuss. I was very unclear about many things and kept asking him questions. Many Many questions via email. He felt that I was relying on him and was not independent. He scolded me in e-mail harshly and made me feel really bad. I kind of dislike him at that moment but when I think over it again now(a few years later). He had indeed made me realize major flaws in me: (1) I am not receptive to criticism, (2) I was not independent and at times tends to be reliant on others. Indeed, I learn something important to be a better person. 

闻过怒    闻誉乐    损友来    益友却
If criticism makes me angry and compliments make me happy, bad company will come my way and righteous  good friends will shy away.

LoVe (1)

I really love it, hope you love it too!!! 

I will do my best to practice all the teachings above! :)

Do not ask for returns when you do something nice 

as It is done out of unconditional love that seeks no returns. 

Forget what you did as we are born to be nice to each other

 no matter what we may get in return                     

( good/bad/no return it doesn't matter). 

Cheers.^.^

BY Kent M. Keith. Taken from book Anyway: The Paradoxical Commandments published by G.P. Putnam's Sons. I have read it and highly recommend you to read as he has his stories for each teachings.  It is very touching and I hope to share with you.

Also This Paradoxical Commandment was put up on the wall of Mother Teresa's Children's home in Calcutta. This shows how important these teachings are for Mother Teresa! :) 

   

Love unconditionally! 

No Jealousy! against the capabilities of others

《弟子规》-- 信篇

唯德学　唯才艺　不如人　当自砺

唯有当我自己的道德、品行、學問和才能、技术不如別人，我该勉励自己努力的去改进。

When I am not as virtuous, capable, intelligent, knowledgeable, skillful and talented as others, I will urge myself to improve and improve for the better!

We have siblings, friends, classmates or colleagues who are much more capable than ourselves. My friends /classmates may be smarter (very intelligent) than me and do better in terms of academic studies. They may even possess certain talents/skills that I lack. My colleagues may be much more able than me and can accomplish much more than me. 

Saints teaches us NOT to ENVY or get JEALOUS, and have A BIG HEART to accept and feel happy for what my friend has :)  I have to urge myself to work hard to strive in aspects that I want to be good at! I can always learn from them and improve!

My reflection 

Aspect 2: Learning capacity and capabilities

I believe I am a very fortunate person as people around me complete the parts that I lack very much. Friends have the elements and factors that complete the imperfection in me. Many friends of mine in university are very brilliant/intelligent and many of them are first-class or second upper honours , I don't envy or feel jealous of their smartness after learning this teaching. Learning these teachings really open my heart as I feel good being with them rather than being envious. I will not feel like a loser or a lousy person, or get jealous of their capabilities/academic success. My teacher told me: there are only three type of people who will not be jealous of your success. They are my parents, my true teachers and my true friends. They will want me to be successful and they will feel good for me.  

Vanessa and Jia Ting are two of my brainy and bright friends. Amazingly they absorbs university mathematics so easily and quickly. They are the two scholars who help me and make learning uni maths not as impossible and complex( if I were to learn them myself without their help). They are very zai and very helpful! Vanessa actually help me（her own initiative)  to review the whole module content and prove the maths from scratch for an hour to two! So nice right! I went for Jia Ting Math clinic tutoring session every week for another module. They are pretty good teachers:) Having them as my friends was not stressful or depressing for me (as I am not as good as them and it can be stressful for others). In fact, I have overcome myself from feeling anxious because they are so smart. In fact, I have many more capable and bright friends around me who are better academically than me. I empower myself not to feel jealous and to really feel happy for them! They complete the lack of intelligence in me and thank you so much for completing me! I feel so fortunate having them around. Thank you Confucius, Buddha and all the saints of the world for teaching me the right attitude in life!    

Life may make me less intelligent than others but I am given many many intelligent friends!
In life, when a door is close...another door will be open ^.^

Aspect 3: Capabilities and skills at work, in projects and among friends

One of my friend cum junior told me that someone actually tell her: You do not need to possess all capabilities but you can hire those people who have these capabilities to help you. Yea! We will not be good at everything, but we can support each other with the elements that are lacking within each of us. We can always strive high and maximize our potential to the best ability of ours. With the capabilities of each person, the work done will be great provided each person put in their very best. It will be so great, isn’t it? ^.^  (I guess one important thing is I myself will not be a free-rider or make use of people's ability(with motive) no matter what. Ultimately, the free-rider, who make use of others capability without contributing/contributing little, will be at the losing end as he/she will absorb nothing but bad reputation and impression from others:)

Saints’ teaching:

(1) 有德有才会爱才  (moral & capable)

When a person is virtuous and is capable/ talented, he/she will cherish people who are gifted, capable and talented.

(2) 无德有才会嫉才(not moral & capable)

When a person is not virtuous ( not a person with good character traits没德行) yet capable and skillful, he/she will/tend to be selfish, envious and intolerant/jealous of others’ talents. Such a person is very dangerous. 

(3) 有德无才会用才 (moral & incapable)

When a person is moral/righteous/virtuous but incapable, he/she will be able to maximize others’ talents via giving the capable people opportunities. And such a person can be trained to be capable.  
(The jealous people will not give the talented opportunities as they fear others will be more capable than themselves=selfishness).

(4) 无德无才会毁才(not moral & incapable)

If a person is neither moral nor capable, he/she will ruin the capable and talented people. Such a person is very dangerous)

有德有才会爱才 ( 德才兼备--不会越来越自私） 

无德有才会嫉才 （可能会越来越自私）

有德无才会用才

无德无才会毁才

Precious teachings! I am not person type (1) but it will be great to be the first type of person 有德有才. But I will first strive to be 有德无才 (a person who cultivate inner qualities but without much capabilities) will cherish capable people around me. Saints tells us that you will reap what you sow and work hard to strive high! Skills and capabilities comes with hard work and a heart to learn! Moral will be the basis of a person’s success!

What type of person and attitude do we wanna be?  You have a choice. I believe you will make the right choice!!

When others receive rewards, recognition, compliment and praises from some others, do not envy or be jealous of their success.

When I am not as capable/intelligent/knowledgeable/talented as others , I will urge myself to improve and improve for the better! These people serve as a pushing energy for me to maximize my potential! ^.^

NO ENVY - the virtue people have

《弟子规》-- 信篇

唯德学　唯才艺　不如人　当自砺

唯有當我自己的道德、品行、學問和才能、技藝不如別人，我該勉勵自己努力的去改進。When I am not as virtuous, capable, intelligent, knowledgeable, skillful and talented as others, I will urge myself to improve and improve for the better!

We have siblings, friends, classmates or colleagues who are much more capable than ourselves. My friends/classmates may be smarter (very intelligent) than me and do better in terms of academic studies. They may even possess certain talents/skills that I lacks. My colleagues may be much more able than me and can accomplish much more than me. There are countless people who are saints (they are very virtuous) or just a friend who has a better conduct (moral) than me. 

Saints teaches us NOT to ENVY or get JEALOUS, and have A BIG HEART to accept and feel happy for what my friend has :)  I have to urge myself to work hard to strive in aspects that I want to be good at! I can always learn from them and improve!

My reflection:

Aspect 1: Moral values

(1) Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa is an awesome and virtuous person whom I admire very much! She is a Catholic nun who sacrificed herself for the welfare of the poor and the sick despite huge hurdle and objection against her action. Her selflessness and unconditional love for the poor and the sick is very commendable. I read about her in my JC and watch a touching movie screening her life. It is so wonderful! She has such a big heart!

There is a scene when an angry man

shouts at her to open the convent so that he can get food. In fact, he wanted to snatch food from the convent. Mother Teresa let him in and he aggressively snatches much of their food in the kitchen leaving some for the children/students in the convent. Guess what! Mother teresa simply say with a loving heart : “May God Bless You”. The man is very shocked that Mother Theresa say that. He asked fiercely: “why do you want god to bless me when I treat you in this manner?” . Mother answers: “ How can I hate you when god loves you “ . I am extremely moved, close to tears. Indeed, all saints and sages and buddha loves all being, how can we hate them! Mother Teresa taught me “forgiveness and love”!  

Another scene happen when Mother Teresa brought/rent an Indian Temple to cure the sick. Mother brought it but many Indian curse and swear at her because she is gonna use their sacred place ( Mother is a Catholic while most Indians are Hindu). She simply walk away and continue her mission for the poor and sick. One day, Mother Teresa and her helper girl met the man who curses and swears at her previously but this time round he lies on the floor sickly! Both of them carried him to the temple. He is very moved by Mother as no one dares to take care or get into close contact with him for they fear they will be contaminated. No one wants to take care of him except Mother Teresa! :) He was being brought to the Indian Temple and Mother feed him with medicine and bandage him personally. Who will not be touched?

I have great admiration for Mother Teresa and she is the role model for me to learn from! And she is just one of the great and virtuous people who impacted my life. I will learn from her!

(2) My Secondary School good friend

Chloe was my secondary school good friend and she has many characteristics that I don’t have. She was my class vice chairman. She is someone whom I learn from. She is very respectful towards my teachers and she always initiate to help teachers to carry books from staffroom to my classroom( pile of books). Though it may be a trivial and an insignificant action( to you), her act exemplify a good virtue of helpfulness and respectfulness (towards teachers). Throughout my days in school and my internship in a school, no students that I know of, except her, offers to help teachers. Oh! there is one normal technical student:) who offered to help me once:) I am soso fortunate to have her as my friend! I learn from her and she made an impact (but I never told her:))!   

(3) My Secondary School friend

I have a secondary school friend called Kai Lian. We were in the same CCA Band and the same class for 5 years. We were in good relations then and suddenly one day, she apologised to me that she has been saying bad stuff about me (behind me)  yet I has been so nice to her, and that she is sorry for what she has done. I wasn’t aware of it as no one told me about it. “It takes guts to admit a mistakes”.

There is another time she apologized to me again. This time round is due to something she said. To give you some background, she is a Christian and I am a Buddhist. We were talking about religion I think ( haha I actually forget )...can sense something...can feel something... Then she said something that seems to make Christianity powerful as comparison to Buddhism. She somewhat belittle Buddhism. ...She said: “... Christ woke up a few days after his death but Buddha didn’t”. What can I reply, right? It is not just the words she said but the way she said it. I simply kept quiet, I knew what she said is true for its own sake but it somehow disappointed me. There was just silent after that and I simply treated it as nothing happened. She approached me some time later and said she called me, but could not reach me. Suddenly, she apologized to me face-to-face for saying what she said and for disrespecting another religion. I actually didn’t take it to heart but her 'sorry' really is like a medicine that cures. Many years after we graduated from secondary school, she actually invited me to her 21st birthday! :) ...

What I can learn from her:

She has the virtue to recognize her mistakes and apologized to me directly (face to face). It takes courage to admit one’s mistakes. I will be more willing to say sorry via sms/text. My teacher told me that to learn moral values, I have to ‘throw away’ this ‘face’. We have our pride and high self-esteem (high self-worth) so much so that admitting our mistakes seem embarrassing but it is a virtuous act that will be able to help me grow as a person! Thank you, my friend!     









When others receive recognition and praises from some others, do not envy but learn from them. 

When I am not as virtuous, I will urge myself to improve and improve for the better! These people serve as a pushing power to improve my inner qualities!