Reject criticism?

《弟子规》--信篇

聞過怒  聞譽樂  損友來  益友卻 

闻过怒    闻誉乐    损友来    益友却

如我聽(听)人批評，就會（会）生氣；聽到別人讚美（赞美），就會感到高興（高兴）；壞朋友（坏朋友）會接踵而來，好朋友會遠離(远离）我而去。If criticism makes me angry and compliments make me happy, bad company will come my way and good friends will shy away.

My reflection:

COMPLIMENT:

Teachers' teachings...
When people compliment me, I should reflect whether I have those qualities and be very cautious not to be too happy about it and not be arrogant without myself noticing it! When compliments sounds sweet and pleasant, I will have to remind myself not to be arrogant or full of myself, and that what they compliment may not be entirely true. Really? Is their praises true? or is it being exaggerated? am I really that good? no...yes...Even if I am that good, I have to be very humble about it! Additionally, if I love compliment, people can make use of this weakness in me to gain what they want (by praising me). 拍马屁的人会接近我。Those who love to flatter me (not genuine) will surround me and righteous/good friends(genuine) who cannot tell me my flaws will leave.

Do Compliment people's upright character and good personality rather than those very superficial features like looks, talents, achievements, status as these will cause them to be arrogant and full of themselves (If excessive). Then, IF you want to tell them a flaw, they will reject or be unhappy about it. Also, complimenting about looks will make the person vain which is bad and he/she may neglect the inner beauty in them. Inner beauty is far more important than external physical appearance.   

Of course compliment is good in some sense!  So do affirm and encourage a person with compliment and praise appropriately, and not exaggerating it without ourselves knowing it. An upright person will not flatter anyone to get promotion or win the heart of others. 

Complement/affirm the person before criticizing them if you are not close to the person. 

CRITICISM:

When I have a fault and people want to tell me yet fear to do so as telling me my flaws will make me angry/unhappy...then those people who really have a heart for me will leave me as they will not be able to help me grow as a person...and these good friends will leave me...I will live with these flaws without myself knowing!

I believe many people will realize that many times when we do a project with a person/ work or live with a person, we will truly know the person (Real) from a new perspective!

Incident 1:

After JC2, I was in a programme conducted by my teachers and I was being scolded pretty badly due to something wrong that I did. I was rather unhappy and angry at that time as I focus solely on being scolded and missed out the important details in the scoldings. I realized my mistakes (only after one year later!) and I am very grateful to my teachers for scolding me. This is how long it took for me to admit this mistakes and to learn this teaching. I think I should not be full of myself even when I am a young adult(teenager then) as there is always room for improvement. I think no matter how grown up I am I should have listen to the criticism of others(especially teachers) toward me as only those who have a heart for me will make the effort to tell me my flaws because they wish I change and get rid of the bad flaws in me. And the fact is when I am grown up, people usually do not tell me my flaws...only those who care will voice it... The flaws pointed out by my teacher is that (1) I was really disrespectful and hurtful when I said something to my teacher, (2) I constantly view people in the bad light and like to criticise people, (3) I am not appreciative for what people do for me. These are very serious flaws that I must and should change.

unhappy/frown (wrong)

I was scolded then and was really unhappy and now these teachers are very nice to me. They do not tell me my flaws anymore. This is the undesirable consequences of not being able to accept the criticism from teachers :( Teachers teach those who can really accept their flaws being said and reflected to them :( I will change for the better and do my best step-by-step to learn to accept others’ criticism to my mistakes/ flaws/ faults! It will take some time for one to truly practice this teaching!

Incident 2:

I have a friend called Mei Xin and she was rather irresponsible in project. I text her hoping she can be more responsible but she seemed to be unhappy when she replied. Maybe she didn't felt that she was irresponsible, but I could not help her to change for the better.

Another time in a project, my friend/project mates Isabelle decided to assign Mei Xin work as she had little tasks to do, and that I thought it was appropriate. When Isabelle told Mei Xin that she has been contributing less than her and that this particular task is for her, she frowned, got angry and scolded Isabelle. They had somewhat got into an argument. There was tension within my group though Mei Xin still took up the task unwillingly. After quite some time after the incident, I text her and she was still unhappy and did not think she has done little! If this resentment continued, there will be undesirable consequences for the whole project and for relations between all of us! I tried to mediate and try to save the situation as we need to work together as a team! This must not continue! I made Isabelle realize her mistakes as I tried to tell her nicely that what she meant was good, but she put it in a slightly blunt manner. Maybe her/our attitude, tone and facial expression is disapproving Mei Xin and putting the blame on her. We should not have done that. Also, we failed to realize what Mei Xin had already done and only think that we did more than her in the project. Her point was right also...as team mates we should not be too calculative about who do more or less. We could have conveyed in a slightly different way that might not result in this tension (with a different attitude/tone/facial expression). Fortunately, Isabelle was able to accept what I told her though she got upset too ( cos' I tell her her/our flaws and I did not side her). On the other hand, I text my apology to Mei Xin that we were sorry for what we had said to her and reassured her of what she had contributed, and hoped she could help with this task. This tension/conflict was resolved and all of us become friends again! :D    

So, from then on, I try to refrain from telling Mei xin so outwardly her flaws as she cannot accept it. Wait...wait till she asks me then I will tell her. 

For the meantime, I will just keep silent and reflect whether I have the flaws and change myself for the better! :):):)

Incident 3:

unhappy about others' negative
feedback (wrong) 

A friend of mine named Ming Yan was my teammate in a project. At that point in time when we did the project, we really see the real personality of him(from another point of view). He was rather dominating and many times my group mates' comments fall on deaf ears.We also didn't really like how the group function, how meetings were conducted and hope for a change. We felt pretty upset and I represented the group to have a chat with him to tell him the flaws that he may not realized himself. We hope he could listen to our comments and feedback and don’t always assume himself to be right all the time. We were not badmouthing him but rather discussing and giving feedback among ourselves. I compiled them and try to make him notice some flaws in him...hopefully I can help him to change for the better and for the whole group's benefit. Unfortunately, he really didn't recognise his fault and his reaction towards our feedback was pretty negative and he got somewhat frustrated. Fortunately, he did reflection after that and did change for the better. Since then, I dare not tell his flaws to him anymore (as he may get angry) and just let him live with it until he asks me about it. Not that I did not want to be a good friend but I cannot!

Incident 4: 

I did a project with Katty's bf some time ago. He was the leader and the group rarely discuss. I was very unclear about many things and kept asking him questions. Many Many questions via email. He felt that I was relying on him and was not independent. He scolded me in e-mail harshly and made me feel really bad. I kind of dislike him at that moment but when I think over it again now(a few years later). He had indeed made me realize major flaws in me: (1) I am not receptive to criticism, (2) I was not independent and at times tends to be reliant on others. Indeed, I learn something important to be a better person. 

闻过怒    闻誉乐    损友来    益友却
If criticism makes me angry and compliments make me happy, bad company will come my way and righteous  good friends will shy away.